Managing Loss & Grief during the Holidays

In a few days starts the Holiday Season which are is a time when we get together with loved ones, celebrate, and enjoy the season. If you have recently suffered the loss of a loved one, this time of the year may bring a sensation of emptiness as you miss the person who, physically, is no longer with us. What can you do about coping with loss during the Holidays? Are you supposed to ignore the Holidays altogether? Are you supposed to pretend you are not sad and show a happy face? Although you cannot change what has happened in your life you can still find new meaning during these special days.

Even though, you may not feel like celebrating, you can remember your loved one in a meaningful manner, and a beautiful way to do this is creating rituals. Rituals can help you keep their memories alive in your hearts. These rituals can be personal, with the family, or both. The advantage of creating a family ritual is that you can do it at the time you get together and want to honor your loved one.

These are examples of some rituals you can do:

• Lighting a candle in remembrance as you gather with your family

• Sharing special memories

• Placing a chest in the living room where your family and friends can place an anecdote honoring the memory of your loved one Start New Traditions

In many families, a designated person is in charge of the celebrations and when the time comes, this may be especially painful for the rest of the family. Still, you can be creative and start a new tradition. For example, Elissa, a Lebanese American, decided to celebrate Thanksgiving by cooking a stuffed lamb instead of the traditional turkey. She wanted to start their own tradition honoring her Lebanese father. In other families, they prefer to continue a family tradition like in the case of Hortensia, a Venezuelan, who cooks a special family dish every Christmas since her mother died. Her mother was known for her pernil de cerdo al horno (oven-roasted pork) and Hortensia has continued this tradition as her mother’s legacy. The entire family feels closer to Hortensia’s mother and their beloved country, of Venezuela.

Although every celebration may bring memories of your loved one, the first celebration may be especially difficult and it is essential you prepare yourself in advance, to find meaning during these days. Because of this pain, many people may abuse alcohol or drugs during the Holidays, because they think or hope that by being numbed, they will feel better. Other people may rely on prescription drugs to deal with their grief, so they can deal with the arising emotions that may accompany grief, such as anxiety or depression. Others rely on their spirituality and participate in individual or communal rituals. Finally, other people make the decision to go to counseling when they want a guide on how to manage grief, which is also known as, griefwork. What matters the most is to pay attention to your needs and validate your emotions It is also important to acknowledge that besides experiencing the loss of a loved one, there are other losses or transitions that may interfere with our feeling joyful at this time of the year and are also crucial to validate. Among these transitions we may find:

• Loss of a job, financial hardship

• Illness-mental and physical

• Loneliness, depression and anxiety

• Having moved to a new town or place

• Anger and disharmony the family

• Marriages breaking up

• Break up with lover

• Loss of an animal companion

Any situation is unique but the best you can do is to communicate your needs with others. You may also be able to transform this time of the year into an opportunity to be closer to your loved ones, and to be of service to others. For instance, you could share time or express your love for children. Or, what about sharing time with an older adult who may just need a hug and some attention? Despite our own pain, we can still be giving, loving, and appreciative. Remember that the best way to express how we feel goes beyond material gift. It has to do with giving from our heart…Always remember that, although the Holidays may be challenging times, it is also an opportunity to share time with special people in your life.

Remember....as you transform your loss you can change your life!

Ligia/11

Love is Eternal...

Today, November 11th, 2011, is the 40th anniversary of my father's death. I can hardly believe 40 years had gone by since the day when my world turned upside down. I was 12 years old when my assumptive world broke into pieces. I stayed still and did not want to move without him. I wanted to remain a shadow and immerse myself in grief and pain. Life stopped having meaning. He was my hero. He was my teacher. He was my strength. Suddenly I was left without north. I wanted to remain still.

But...even if I wanted to forget about life...life did not forget about me. It pushed me, even without my own awareness, to continue growing and continue living.

Little by little I learned to adjust to a new world without the physical presence of my father, and have been able to carry his love and teachings in my heart. It is because of this great loss that I embarked myself in this journey of helping others facing a loss or difficult transition. I understood that in order to heal I needed to confront my grief face to face. I could not cannot ignore it. I could not pretend everything was the same and above all....I realized we never forget our loved one. We learn to live with the loss integrated in our lives because...there is life after a loss and we can transform it.

I was recently invited to a radio show and we talked about eternal love. This is the love I feel for my father. When we lose a loved one, our love does not end.

As long as we have our loved one in our minds and our hearts, they continue living!

As we transform our loss we can change our lives...

Ligia/11

Welcome!

I created this blog so we can share stories of loss and transformation. I will specifically write on issues of loss, grief, and transformation. These losses will include death of a loss one, divorce, break-ups, loss of a job, loss of health, loss of a pet, loss of homeland. It will cover all these issues and more....we will have an ongoing conversation on how to deal with the events that life throws at us...because we have choices. We can choose to react or to respond.

I wish you a beautiful day,

Ligia M. Houben
www.ligiahouben.com
www.transformyourloss.com